How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

 

Have you ever felt like a doormat in your life? 

Someone asks you for something - maybe your boss, friend, parents, spouse, teacher, and even though you want to refuse, but you...Can't?

Many of us have this trouble of saying NO. Our society has taught us to obey the rules - we must, in order to keep our jobs and positions, be accepted, loved. Or so we think the same. People who say 'no' are sometimes called uncooperative, selfish, rude, unlikeable, etc. Perhaps some of them are. 

I always had the thought that those who say 'no' are usually labeled as selfish. But as I grew up my thought process initially changed and it seemed a misunderstanding to me. 'Sometimes saying no to others can not be hurtful instead it can help you a lot as well the other person.

Like:-

• Our parents say no to many of our useless demands they say no not because of their financial reasons instead they say no just for our good as they know what we should get and what not.
• If a friend says no to alcohol with another friend then he is not rejecting the friend instead he is setting an example of a healthy lifestyle that another friend will admire for his lifetime.

What matters is not that you say 'no' but the following points matters-

• WHY you say no
• HOW you say no
• And WHEN you say no

WHY YOU SAY NO

If you say 'no' to someone's request for your own selfish reasons then yes you are selfish. Even if the person had the selfish reason to request you that automatically doesn't give you the right to respond in kind. You will worsen the situation if you will be selfish. 

If fulfilling the request really helps them in some way without hurting yourself or others then it is wise not to say no.

Like - when I had first fight after getting into hostel then my friend listened to me over hours on the phone as I poured out my pain. Sometimes I would keep her up late nights just to tell what is going on in my head. She would be dozing off and I would still be trying to solve the knots in my head. 

Isn't this sounds selfish of me? Of course Yes!

Could my friend has said- No I can't talk right now I need to sleep at the moment?

Yes. But she didn't. 

Because she knew that what I need most at that time. 

A lot of people I had trusted had dropped me like a rotten potato when I first hinted that something was wrong with me.

But my friend summed up the evil of their refusal by going further and being called to work, to prove to me, by her actions, that no matter what, I was loved - that I loved.  
 

Later, as I got stronger my friend would tell me- 'will talk tomorrow as I have to get up early for my daily routine, and you need to get your sleep too.' 

In that case, she was saying no to the late-night conversations because it was good for her, and it was good for me, to get the sleep we both needed.

 Now I understood and didn't felt bad when she said 'no' because I knew her reasons were legitimate and not given out of selfishness.

WHEN YOU SAY NO

Sometimes a 'no' can be like 'not right now maybe later' or sometimes a 'no' must be delayed. 

Not Right now- It simply means maybe you are busy doing something else of higher priority or maybe the timings were not right and you just refuse just temporarily. 

Delayed No- This means you need to refuse the request but you shouldn't do it right away.

Depending on the circumstances, rejecting someone may be as simple as spreading the bad news about death.

When you say no to someone, especially if it is an important request, it can be painful - for them and for you. Maybe it wasn't like the news of death, but it was painful.

You may need to delay your 'no' for a bit- like if by mistake you slipped while coming back home you cannot break the bad news to your mother until you reach home and sat down to comfort the blow. 

Timing is an important part of saying no. 

Choose the wrong time, and increase the pain of rejection. Choose the right time, and you can greatly reduce existing pain and injury.

It's totally uptown you to decide when each type is appropriate in your situation. 

HOW YOU SAY NO

"Tone is the hardest part of saying 'no'"

When someone tries to get your help in self-destruction, you have to say no. But be careful how you say it.

Some parents of unmanageable children threaten to disown them in a very horribly disguised attempt to keep them on track. 

This actually does not work.

Maybe disowning threats succeeds in keeping the child on track well behaved but it will result in broken trust and insecurity that will damage the child as well as the relationship. 

On the other hand some parents find ways to discipline their children and refuse their usual behaviour without destroying the relationship or provoking further. 

People make their own choices to soften hard hearts but you will not always succeed no matter what you do. 

We all know refusing others can be painful but we must learn a way to say 'no' that can be accepted happily by everyone.

• Learn to say 'no' without hurting feeling of others 
• Learn to say sorry when you say no and tell them the reason why you said no.
• Learn to refuse the offer without damaging it intentionally.

And when you know the asker is rude or disrespectful just adjust your own style to be more firm. 

Used at the right time and in the right condition,  'NO' can be your greatest asset. 

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